Mary Sue of Tortall
by the FLAMER
Summary: discontinued. ...but still funny.
1. Prologue

Welcome to the OFFICIAL (oh!) Mary Sue of Tortall. (Hmm..does this mean all the other Mary Sues must pay me? *evil grin* Oh, the possibilities.)  
  
This is basically written to poke fun at Mary-Sues. And to put off finishing my Bio lab.anyways, please review, I do love reviews, and even flames may be recycled.hence the name. (No, I don't mean I'll flame you back. I only flame BAD authors.)  
  
Disclaimer: No, I'm not Tammy. Therefore, I don't own Tortall. *snaps fingers* damn.  
  
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Mary Sue of Tortall  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
She was a stunningly beautiful girl; no one could deny that. At 5'8", she was tall and slim, with shiny blond shampoo commercial-esque hair that fell in soft, sleek waves to her small waist. Her eyes were large and blue, fringed with excessive lashes, which she lowered coyly when she wanted to hide her intelligence. But her beauty disguised a lethal force. She could beat the best of the court swordsmen with either hand tied behind her back, come out unscratched from a street brawl that left big men unconscious, ride bareback while throwing daggers, take down a squad of the King's Own single-handedly with just her magic to aid her, and wield not just sword but dagger, glaive, club, staff, mace, and throwing stars. And that wasn't even mentioning her impressive skill with the lance and bow and arrow.  
  
Mary Sue was smarter than Neal.  
  
More powerful than Numair.  
  
Wilier than George.  
  
Faster than Liam.  
  
Stronger than Raoul.  
  
Flirtier than Dom.  
  
Sweeter than Cleon.  
  
Richer than Jon.  
  
More superficial than Roger.  
  
...and she slept with them all.  
  
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Yes, that's just the prologue. If I'm feeling particularly inspired (or uninspired, depending on how you see it) I'll update sometime soon. Reviews, of course, would inspire me more. Flames amuse me.can I get a bonfire to toast marshmallows on? Although compliments make me feel all nice and fuzzy.whatever you want. Just REVIEW!  
  
Love  
  
The FLAMER 


	2. Jon falls hard and tries to look Manly

Yes, it's true,  Mary Sue is alive and kicking!

*several people shiver*

….and….she's…. BACK!

*screams and thuds from people fainting and being trampled in a mass rush to exit this fanfic*

Hehe.  Thanks for all the reviews….I was surprised, I didn't even get any real flames!  Well, Kriszta kinda gave me one, but oh well.  I did ask for it, after all.  Although I've never seen the LotR fic you're talking about…but then I don't really spend much time in the LotR section anyways.

DISCLAIMER: Nothing in Tortall is mine.  However Mary Sue is, so now none of you can write a Mary Sue ever again!  Haha!  And by the way, Lady of the Lilacs, yours isn't really _that_ much of a Mary Sue.  DON'T LET AEDEEN CROSS OVER TO THE DARK—er, blonde—SIDE!!!

More notes at the end.  If you don't puke before then….

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Jon rode slowly on his black stallion.  He ran a hand through his hair and tried hard not to cry, but he couldn't help a few tears escaping.  It just wasn't _fair, he thought to himself.  Things, well, weren't working out between him and Thayet.  Jon choked back a sob.  He wasn't exactly in love with his wife, but she made him look so good…._

"Um—excuse me?"

Jon turned around in surprise, quickly puffing out his chest and clearing his throat loudly in an attempt to look manly.  A tall, slim, apparently androgynous person stood in a cloak, drenched to the bone with the pouring rain.  How—_mysterious.___

Mary Sue pulled back her hood.  Jon made a quick mental note that was definitely _not _androgynous. 

"Um, who are you, young lady?  And what are you doing on the palace grounds at this time of night?"

"I'm Mary Sue—" she noted with interest his small golden crown—"Your Majesty."  She swept into a perfect curtsy.  Strange, she hadn't been able to do a curtsy on earth, although she had had perfect balance and grace from years of ballet and gymnastics.  Suddenly, her large blue eyes widened, and her lower lip began to quiver.  "I—I am allowed to be here, right?  I'm not trespassing or anything?" Her small, soft, and perfectly manicured hand flew to her mouth in horror.  Jon gave her a patronizing smile.  She was just so cute.

"Here," he told her, "let me help you up."  He swung her up onto his horse.  "I'll take you inside and get you a room."

"Oh," said Mary Sue, "That's so sweet of you!"

Jon couldn't help but give himself a little smile.  _She's much prettier than Thayet.  And I bet she's not into all that 'Women can Fight Too' crap.  Plus, _he thought smugly, _she said I'm sweet._

"Here, why don't you take _my cloak, Mary."_

"It's Mary Sue.  Oh, thank you!  I was just shivering so badly I thought I might have to-" She trailed off, pensive.  It probably wouldn't do to let Jon know that she was more powerful than the best of his mages, due to the fact that she had an enormous Gift, wild magic, weather magic, and a strange ability to read minds.

_I like Tortall a lot better than Earth, _she thought to herself.

In the morning, she'd show him a little bit of that "Women can fight too 'crap,' " as he so inaptly put it.  She sighed.  Men.  She hadn't been able to read minds back home, and for a few minutes she had thought that perhaps men's thoughts were actually intelligent, and that maybe they just lacked communication skills.  If Jon was the epitome of Manhood, as he seemed to perceive himself, then the male side of the species was in a bit more trouble then she had originally thought.  Oh well.  All the easier for her to take over their country.

"What's that?" she hadn't realized Jon was still talking.

"Well, we're here."

"Oh."  She slipped off the horse, and he led her into the palace.  

"The guest suites are just up that flight of stairs, just take a left, it's room 237."

Mary Sue fought the urge to frown at his lack of chivalry.  What kind of king wouldn't even walk her to her room?  Instead, she put on a sad little smile.

"See you tomorrow then, Majesty?'

"Oh, you can call me Jon."

"Alright then—Jon.  Good night."

Jon walked—skipped, rather—back to his own rooms.  (Which he is currently not sharing with his wife.) He stopped in front of a gilded mirror to admire his reflection.

"That's right, handsome," he told himself, smiling.  "She called you _sweet!"_

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Jon-bashing.  Much fun, for me at least.  

So, whatcha think?  Mary Sue will show off her uncanny knack for, um, everything in the next chap.  Plus she'll be meeting some more male characters….

By the way, in case you hadn't noticed—not only is she perfect, she slightly eeeeeeeevil!  Help me come up with her sinister plot.  REVIEW.  Flames will be used to give Mary Sue a sunburn, and compliments will treasured forever.

If you review, I'll try to review you….keep in mind that I only actually flame _bad _fics. I'm not completely heartless, although Mary Sue is…more later!  Oh, and vote for whoever should be the next to fall for our dear friend Mary.  

Elf of Avalon—I'd be happy too, hence the alias 'the BETA.'  I'll let you know as soon as I finish whats written so you can send me the next chap if you want.

All other wonderful people who reviewed—do so again!  Now!

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	3. someone walks in on mary sue dressing! ...

Yes, I am alive!  Unfortunately, so is Mary Sue.  For how long, only time shall tell.

**Ladyknight****:  Mwaha.   I shall give Mary Sue a sunburn.  How?  By leaving her a special, high concentrated flame.  Why?  Because Mel told me to.  Well, and I kinda hate Mary Sue.  FEAR ME, OH DEMON OF PERFECTION!**

**Mary Sue **(look of extreme horror plastered across her perfect features)**: My _skin_!  My perfect, flawless, ivory-with-faint-touches-of-pink, baby-bottom soft _skin!  I look like a bleeping _lobster_!  *sobbing* Damn you, Ladyknight! *shakes fist and runs offstage*_**

Heh.  I enjoyed that.  Leave me more interesting reviews so I can have fun inflicting pain on Mary Sue!  Oh, and Elf of Avalon (here on referred to as "EoA" for laziness purposes): it was not meant to insult blondes, considering that I myself am one.  But Mary Sue is, of course, blonde.  Very blonde.  In every sense of the word, except that she is conniving and doesn't generally walk into doors unless on purpose.  (JUST kidding!)  But anyways. Onwards!  

**Mary Sue of Tortall**

**Chapter Two**

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Mary Sue woke naturally at sunrise.  She flung the covers joyously off her bed, stopped, turned around, and made it quickly and easily with no wrinkles on the first try, and walked to her window. It was conveniently already open, sparing her the risk of breaking a nail.  She pushed it even further open and stuck her head into the quiet morning sunshine.

The birds twittered happily when they saw her, and flew eagerly to rest on her outstretched hands.  Mary Sue had only been practicing her new magic for a day or two, which meant that, naturally, she had mastered it; however, it never hurt to be sure.  Working carefully, she pulled a thin strand of her bubblegum pink magic from her internal core and wound it into a little loop in the air.  A sparrow with a little white patch like a crown on its head cocked its head and peeped at her.  She stroked its feathers gently and blabbered to it as she lowered the loop slowly around its neck.

"Yes, and you're a good birdie, yes you are, oh yes you are, you're a good—oh, dear.  Bye bye, birdie," she said apologetically as she mentally tightened the loop.  Crown dropped, limp.  Mary Sue pouted.  She couldn't bear to see any living, or once living, creature in pain.  Plus it was so _cute_.  Like a beanie baby.  Except less animated, and more dead.  She sighed, and pointed a manicured finger at the bird, who immediately zipped up into the air.  She smiled.  Even better than before!

She glanced at the clock.  Ten past dawn.  She mentally scolded herself for not getting up sooner.  The Tortallans would surely think her a lazy slob!  And that would certainly not fit in her plans.  She noticed a trunk at the foot of her bed, and opened it to find a vast array of fine dresses and accessories.  Smiling giddily, she pulled one out and began to undress.

She had almost gotten her corset done up when there was a knock at the door.  She froze.  Jonathan was th only one who knew she was supposed to be here, and he couldn't tell anybody without looking very guilty of a very bad thing involving—or rather, not involving—his wife, Thayet.  _Shit, shit, shit… _

Another knock.  Trying her best to keep both hands on her corset, she turned around.  There was the sound of a key, a click, and the door swung open.  Mary Sue screamed, and her hands flew to her mouth.  The man at her door just stared and blinked, not at her face, until she realized that when her hands had come to her face, they had left the ends of her corset, which was now hanging about her slender waist.  She half-gasped, half-screamed again as she hurried to cover her chest and turned around to pull up the corset.

"HAVE YOU NO COMMON _DECENCY??_"  She screamed at him through tears.  

"I—I—uh—"

She whirled around, corset now firmly in place, eyes blazing.  "No—no!  Don't—talk—to—me!  Out!"  For emphasis, she pushed him in the chest with her finger.  "Out!  Now!"

"But—"

"No buts!"  With that, she pushed him into the hallway and slammed the door.  

**

"Geez, Neal, you must have been even more drunk than you thought you were," Kel told her friend.

"I was _not _hallucinating!" Neal shouted back indignantly.  Kel gave him a sarcastic look.

"Mm-hmm.  So let me get this straight—you went back to your rooms this morning, opened the door, and found a beautiful half-naked blonde just standing there?"

"Well," he said sheepishly, "It was more like a third naked.  Or two fifths.  And she wasn't just standing there, she"

"Kicked you out, alone into the hallways, I know, I know!" 

"It's true!  Don't roll your eyes at me!"

"Whatever you say, Queenscove…"

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Agh.  That was really short, I know, but it just wouldn't work to put the next section up right after that…it is coming soon though, as long as you all REVIEW *_~

Sorry it took me so long to update!  Remember, the more reviews, the more motivated I am…so if you've already reviewed and I still haven't updated, bribe someone else too.  (Hehe—I'm bribing you to bribe other people…the genius!) (eh, sort of.)

-FLAMER (who hasn't flamed anyone in a long while!  Why?  B/c—(glancing side to side)--*low voice* I haven't been on ff.n!) *collective gasp of horror* eep!

(runs away)


	4. Mary Sue: Seductress extroardinaire Alt...

Well Kiddies, you guessed it—Tammy has relinquished all copyrights to yours truly, and you must all now pay me for every fic you post! Muahahahahahaha!

Actually, I own …um…well, I'm sure I own something, but I don't own any of Tammy's books, Tortall, her characters…blah, blah…have no money…bladiblah…so don't sue me.

Mary Sue is back..  Feel those shivers running down your back?  Wait—hold your breath. Ok, _now do you feel them?  I do.  And you know what it is—_

It's _her_.

*shiver*

Anyway.  Since you insist, read on for more Mary Sue!

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Jon walked in what he thought was a brisk, commanding gait down the hallway, loosening his tunic in a carefully practiced "roguish nonconformity."  _I bet every one of those serving maids will be swooning __over me tonight, he thought with a smirk.  He rounded the corner._

            "Your highness!"

            "Oh—I—I'm so sorry—"

            Mary Sue gave her best flustered smile and brushed a shiny blond lock back from her face.  She dropped instantaneously into a perfect curtsy, simultaneously reading his mind.  He kissed her outstretched hand, his lips remaining a second too long before he quickly straightened.

            "Well!  Er—Mary, is it?"

She smiled patronizingly.  "Mary _Sue_," she said through gritted teeth.  She quickly regained her composure.

"Right, Mary Sue.  I trust your stay has been well?"

"Oh, it's been just _lovely_, your highness.  Although—" she giggled—"a young man burst into my rooms this morning!  It was the strangest thing—it was almost as if he thought they were his!"  She giggled again, her smile lighting up her already pretty face.  Jon racked his brain for a moment—he had sent her to the guest wing, hadn't he?  The 230's….

He mentally banged his head against the wall.  The guest suites were in the _330's!  The 230's through 240's were for the squires and pages!  _Smooth, Jon.  _Real __Smooth.___

He  laughed nervously.  "Heh, how odd.  Well…"

"Your highness?" she asked softly, sweetly.

Jon's hands became suddenly clammy.  He felt a clutch at his heart as her large blue eyes welled with tears and she tried to smile.

"Well I—those are someone else's rooms, aren't they?"

"Well—yes, probably."  He kicked himself.  He had just admitted that he didn't know his own palace well enough to know where the guest wing was!

"Well, you see, if those aren't my rooms—" she looked up into his own sapphire eyes in an extremely pitifully beautiful look—"I—I won't have anywhere to stay."

Mary Sue crossed her fingers behind her back, hoping fervently that he would pick up on her hints.  She sighed with relief when he smiled and put his hand on her back.  She hadn't wanted to do this, but it would be necessary.

"Why, don't worry your little head, Mary Sue.  You can share _my rooms."_

He took her arm and led her away, relishing her adoring glances.

"You're too kind, highness.  By the way—your unbuttoned tunic makes you look so—" she blushed.

"It's ok, Mary Sue.  You can speak your mind."

"So _roguishly handsome_," she gushed.

Jon smiled and ruffled her hair.

"You flatter me, Mary Sue."

*

"…Married?  Me?  Heh, um, _nooo_!  Where on earth did you hear that?"

*

_the__ next day_

Mary Sue soaked in the royal baths for at least 2 hours, trying her hardest to wash Jon off.  She shook her head.  She hadn't realized that a man with so many children could be so bad in bed.  She sighed.  A girl has to do what a girl has to do, if she wants to take over the country.  Although, after last night, she had to think of an alternative to marrying Jon.

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Sorry, sorry!  I know it was short…but maybe this means that another chap will be up soon!  I wanted this chapter to be all about Mary Sue and Jon…explaining a bit more plot (yes, there will be one), etc.  Next chapter, I promise, Mary Sue will demonstrate her mastery of—er—everything.  I promise!  Keep voting for who goes next…I'm thinking maybe Neal…although Cleon or Myles would be interesting, I think! ; D

Love

Flamer

p.s.

lots of reviews!  Lots of reviews….!  Pretty please? *puppy dog eyes*


	5. And boy toy number two is CLEON!

*lightning*

BOOM! (thunder)

Mary Sue…is…ALIVE!!!

*piercing shriek of horror from Emily of Duranan*

MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAHAHH!!!!

Well, then…oh, wait.  You're still here? *sigh* Guess I'd better give you the chapter then…

**Disclaimer**: Get it through your heads.  I.  DO.  NOT.  OWN.  TORTALL!  Or anything _in _Tortall, except for Mary Sue, who believe me is not a fun thing to own.  I prohibit you to steal her, though; geez, the _last _thing we need is another Mary Sue running around the tp board.

(yes, yes, I'm a hypocrite…)

**Mary Sue of Tortall**

**Chapter 4**

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Mary Sue may have looked like your average—well, above-average—beautiful, buffle-brained lady as she walked briskly down to breakfast, but her mind was actually hard at work.  She needed to come up with the rest of her alias.  Mary Sue of…of…

"Excuse me, o fair one, dear sunrise, did you by chance drop this?"

The speaker was a young, tall, rather dim looking squire; an unruly mop of red curls flopped over into his grey eyes.  He held a diamond pin that caught the light prettily.  For some odd reason, she felt her heart begin to melt…

*

Thirty minutes, a quick detour in the servants' hallway, and a change of clothes later, Mary Sue of Diamond Pin once again made her way down the hallway.  If her cheeks were a little flushed, her hair the tiniest pit out of place, no one said anything; it just made her look prettier.

*

"…Sir Myles is crazy if he thinks we're going to be able to do a 30-page essay on the Scanran wars all in one night, especially when we've got to practice for exhibition all week!"

Neal rolled his eyes.  "We all already _know _that Sir Myles is crazy," he said dryly.  "I think he made that quite clear last Midwinter when he expected yours truly to carry on a conversation with the—erm—_lovely Lady Ursula.  For three hours.  So that he could sneak away to play chess and drink wine."_

"You should talk about being crazy, Neal," Kel said with a grin.  She turned to the rest o their messmates.  "Neal here was going on this morning about how when he went to his rooms this morning, a beautiful blonde was undressing in there—stop kicking me, Neal—and then—I'm not going to stop telling them, Nealan, so you might as well give up before I decide to go at you with my glaive—and then, she kicked him out of his own rooms."

Faleron, Owen, Merric, and Seaver all looked skeptically at Neal, who sat red-faced with a scowl on his face.  "What?" he cried, hands flying into the air.  "It's _true_!"

Kel stifled a small giggle at her overly dramatic friend.  Only Neal would start to hallucinate about gorgeous women as a side effect of being dumped by his fiancée.  _That's not nice, she reprimanded herself.  _You know Neal's still heartbroken over Yuki.  No need to make him the butt of jokes for it.__

Glancing around the table, she realized something was missing.

"Hey guys—where's Cleon?"

Right on cue, the lanky redhead burst into the mess hall, his complexion almost matching his hair.  Kel arched her eyebrows.  _She _knew what made his face that color…

Apparently Faleron didn't.  "Cleon," he asked bemusedly, "what happened to you?"

"I, uh," he nervously ran a hand through his curls, "well, y'see, I was in the hallway, and I noticed this piece of jewelry, and—well, I asked this drop-dead-_gorgeous _lady if it was hers—and then—well—it's like I've been reborn…nothing will ever be the same…" At this point Cleon was staring aimlessly into space, fork suspended in the air halfway to his mouth, eyes starry, and

"Cleon.  You're _drooling_."

"Oh, uh, sorry, Kel," he said hurriedly, quickly wiping off his chin.  Kel rolled her eyes.  "What _is _it with you guys?  First it's Neal, claiming that beautiful women—"

"Just _one _woman!" Neal corrected her.

"…claiming that a beautiful woman has invaded his—"

"Although, she was enough to equal several women…"

"_Queenscove_!___  Will you _stop_?  You're making me gag!"_

"Sorry, Kel," Neal said sheepishly.  She glared at him.

"Both of you, stop babbling on about your romantic delusions and eat your vegetables."

"One question, Kel: why?"

She paused for a moment to think.  She had just opened her mouth to say something when the door to the mess hall flew open, radiant, and all conversation halted.  A figure stood in the doorway, a lovely—no, beautiful—figure, slim, but with curves, sleek blonde hair falling in loose waves to her narrow waist, a face that would put the queen to shame—was it a goddess?

It shattered the silence with a small giggle.  Kel mentally crossed out _goddess_ from the list of things the girl could be.

She took a step into the room.  Kel felt a knot in her stomach form and harden.  _What was it that she didn't like about this girl?_

All males in the room felt—well, something else that was already formed harden.

(_a/n__: ew!  I can't believe I just wrote that! Ok, carry on.)_

As she stepped further into the room, it became apparent that the glow was just sunlight coming through the open door.  The mood in the room became a little, just a lttle, more relaxed.  The girl seemed to be looking for something; her eyes locked with Kel's, and she walked briskly over to their table.

Neal and Cleon jumped simultaneously to their feet as she reached them.

"She's mine!"

"Back off, you—you—flowery nincompoop!  She was in _my rooms!"_

"Flowery nincompoop??!?  You're the flowery nincompoop, you flailing halibut! And besides, _I'm _the one that she—well, you know—with!"

[small fistfight ensues, leaving Neal with a split lip and Cleon with possible brain damage.  Or wait, it must have been something else…Cleon couldn't possibly have brain damage.  That would require a brain.]

"Why, boys," she said in a soft voice, "I hope you haven't been fighting over _me_."  Her huge eyes filled with concern, and the two squires quickly straightened, hands clasped behind their backs.

"What, us," they chorused, "_fighting? Uh—_no_…."_

"You mean you don't think I'm worth fighting for?"

"Er—of course we do!  That's why we were fighting!"

Mary Sue's hand went to her heart.  "You mean you've gone and hurt yourselves over _me_?  Oh, you poor, sweet dears…have my handkerchief."  She handed Neal a pink lacy slip of fabric, embroidered with the letters _MS_, and gave Cleon an appraising look.

"You're going to require a bit more…lucky for you, I'm a healer.  Just close your eyes for a moment—this won't hurt a _bit_…"

[Cleon screams, loudly and shrilly]

[shot of Kaddar at tea in Carthak.  Carthakis look around to see where that strange, shrill noise is coming from…]

[back to their table.  Note that all plates, cups and bowls have broken.]

"There.  See?  That wasn't bad at all, was it?!"

Cleon smiled weakly, and she patted him on the head.  Her eyes then went to Kel.

"K-Keladry?  Keladry of Mindelan?"

Kel gave her a confused look.  "Yeah, that's me…how'd you know?"

"Oh, I read the—haha, I mean, lucky guess!" Mary Sue smiled furiously through her blush.  "You are the only female squire, after all, though."

"Yeah…yeah, I am.  But um—what are you dong here, if you don't mind me asking?"

"You mean this—this isn't where nobles are supposed to get breakfast?"  Mary Sue's eyes were welling with tears again.  Kel gave her a look.

"Nobles get breakfast in their rooms when they pull the ring.  This would be the mess hall, for pages, squires, and visiting knights."

"Hey," Neal interjected, "no need to be rude about it!  She's probably new here."  Mary Sue smiled, and Kel gave him an indignant look.

"I wasn't being rude!"

Neal scowled.  "I didn't like your tone," he muttered.  Kel rolled her eyes and looked back at Mary Sue.

"Well, what are you waiting around here for?  I told you, this isn't where nobles eat, unless they're in training.  And we're going to have to go in just a minute, to the practice yards.  And I'm afraid we can't stay back today, because exhibition is all next week, and we really need to practice."

"Well—" she bit her lip—"I—I don't really have anywhere else to go…maybe could I come with you?"

"You're kidding, right?  This isn't fun and games.  We need to practice.  And besides, it's not that interesting, anyways."

"Well, maybe I could practice with you."

Kel raised her eyebrows once again.  There was silence for a moment before Owen finally found his voice.

"C'mon, Kel," he nudged his friend.  "I'm sure it'll be jolly fun!"

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Ok, ok, I lied.  Again.  But in case you can't tell, Mary Sue's weapons skills will most definitely be the focus of the next chap…I just couldn't fit it in here. *grumbles*

Hey!  Don't yell at me!  Be happy!  This chapter is FIVE PAGES LONG!!!!

Hmph.

Anyways, as always, review!  I shall then be more motivated to post sooner.  Or at least, I'll be more likely to be more motivated to…ah, whatever.  Just review.


	6. Mary Sue's knack for, well, something at...

Welcome back, kiddies, to the ultimate circus ring of terror—The Life of Mary Sue!

…funny…all of you are reading this voluntarily…

Anyways.  100+ reviews!  Woo!  I'm impressed.  As a present, I'm giving you—you guessed it—another chapter!  In which we will finally witness Mary Sue's knack for, well, everything!!  *_gag*  Oh_, but wait.  It will get worse.  It will get much, much, worse…just wait till _next chapter…*cackle*_

Note: No, I don't have any idea why Wyldon begins speaking like an Amish farmer/Shakespearian player either…blame my muses, I guess ;)

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**Mary Sue of Tortall**

**Chapter 5**

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"C'mon, Kel," he nudged his friend.  "I'm sure it'll be jolly fun!"

Kel was about to say no, but then—she couldn't have known, she would later tell herself, she had know way of expecting it—she accidentally let Mary Sue lock eyes with her.

_WHAM._

Kel slowly felt every last shred of willpower dissolve as Mary Sue's big, blue—almost violet, really—eyes grew larger (something she hadn't previously thought possible) and more teary.  Kel felt her _own lips trembling.  Scowling, she jerked away._

"Sweet Mithros, girl," she muttered.  "You're as bad as those kids in the Saren refugee packets."

"So—you'll let me go?"  Mary Sue's voice was charmingly hopeful.

Kel waved a hand.  "Yeah, yeah, come along.  But one thing—" Kel spun around and gave Mary Sue a venomous look.  The girl gave her a shocked look back.

"Wha—"

"Oh, would you _stop _with the sweet and innocent bit?  Now.  You can come with me'n Owen on one condition."

"Stay _away _from Cleon, Diamond Pin."

**

Sir Wyldon stood stodgily high in his seat, surveying the gathering crowds with a slight frown on his face.  _Getting girlier and girlier every year, _he thought to himself, meaning the pages, squires and knights who were gathering to practice for the tournament.  He was surprised by a slight jolt from underneath as his stallion, Cavall's Heart, began to rear; odd, the last time Heart had acted like this was in the mating season…but he had no time for speculation.

"Heart!  Heart!"  he cried.  "Oh, Heart!  Be still!  You do cause me such pain!  Do calm, my Heart; look now," he said frantically, thinking maybe there _was_ a mare nearby, "surely the lady can wait 'til later; yet now, be still my Heart, that I may regain my composure!"

Cavall's Heart reared one more time, but suddenly stopped and leaned forward, intent on something—was he _listening to something?  Or looking?  Wyldon himself looked straight ahead of him, squinting slightly in the sun.  He gasped._

_Was this some goddess, or angel—some spirit of light? _ (hate to break it to ya, buddy…)

The figure of a rather—shapely—woman was illuminated by the direct sunlight, forming an iridescent silhouette.  Wyldon felt his jaw go slightly slack…

"Why, dear sir," Mary Sue exclaimed, "your proclamations of love were certainly uncalled for, although—well, I won't say that they were completely unflattering—but your callous dismissal of me for a "later time" was most insulting, to say the least."

Wyldon stared for a moment, until he realized that she thought that when he spoke to his horse, he was speaking of his own heart, and that the "lady" he spoke of was her.

"Oh, and dear—" she flashed her perfect teeth briefly—"you really _must _wipe a bit of that, er, spittle, off your jawline.  It's most unbecoming, I'm sure." The next thing he knew, Mary Sue had pulled out an embroidered handkerchief and was gently wiping the side of his mouth.  It smelled slightly of rosemary, or perhaps lavender…

Kel, looking over to Wyldon to find her assignment, nearly choked to see Mary Sue tenderly wiping his mouth with a dainty handkerchief.

"L-Lord Wyldon!" she sputtered.  Wyldon's eyes snapped out of their glaze, and he snatched the handkerchief, dropping it to the mud and trying to ignore Mary Sue's squeal of protest.  He straightened and cleared his throat, then raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, Mindelan?  What is it you want?"

Kel blinked and tried to say something, but nothing would come out.

"You know, dear, it really isn't becoming to gasp about like a halibut as you are," Mary Sue remarked quietly in a sweetly patronizing voice.  Kel glared at her and turned to Wyldon.

"Sir, I was wondering what exactly you had in mind for me to do.  Also—" she paused and gave a pointed look to Mary Sue—"also, your _wife _was wondering where she ought to sit."  Wyldon felt a slight flush rising from his neck.  He coughed and cleared his throat, slightly pushing Mary Sue away.

"Ahem, yes, well, she should sit in, er, em, the uh

"Wouldn't the box pavilion be just lovely for her?" Mary Sue asked sweetly.  Wyldon nodded vigorously.

"Yes!  Yes exactly, the pavilion—that was _exactly _what I had in mind."  Kel gave him a skeptical look.

"Riiiight."

[awkward pause]

"Well. You still haven't told me what my duties are to be, sir."

Wyldon knew the answer to this, at least.  "Begin warming up, squire.  You're to compete in the jousting tournament."  Kel nodded; that was hardly a surprise.

"Um—sir?"

"Yes, Mindelan?"

"Well, if you don't mind my asking sir, why exactly is—_Lady—Mary Sue here?  The spectators shouldn't be arriving for another hour or so at least."_

"Er—right.  Um, perhaps she could—"

"Oh, well I—I mean, I wouldn't want to impose or anything but," Mary Sue gave a tiny, pretty smile, "maybe I could compete.  I mean, I've had a little bit of training."

Kel arched an eyebrow.  "Training?  In what?  Curtseys?  That'll hardly be useful here."

"Oh, no, squire Mindelan, or well, that too, but when I was a child [cue violins], well—my father didn't love me, and my mother was dead, so my brother took charge of me.  He didn't have time to watch me properly, I suppose, so he just took me along with him everywhere he went.  I learned along with Gary how to skin a rabbit, wrestle, wield a dagger, sword, staff, and of course a glaive, and when a visiting Shang came to our fief, I also learned Shang fighting skills.  Then of course I had to learn to shoot a bow and arrow, because of all the Stormwings that came by during pig-roasting season—of course," she giggled, "I'm probably not very _good._"  Giggle.

Kel cocked her head to one side.  "Your brother's name was Gary?  As in Gareth?"

"No, he was just Gary.  Gary Stu.  The last I heard of him, he had gone through some magic portal to another world and married a beautiful sorceress—Hermione, was it?  But of course," giggle, "that's really ridiculous.  He's probably just off on another one of his crazy quests."

"Uh-huh.  Right.  Well, if you can fight as well as you say, I don't see any reason why you can't compete."

"Wyldon!"

"Mindelan!  Silence, please!  It seems to me that _I am the one in charge here, am I not?"_

Mary Sue smirked as he turned his back on them, and Kel glared back.  Wyldon turned again.  "Mindelan!  Suit up! And do show Miss Mary Sue where she can find her equipment, as well." Kel scowled and dragged a protesting Mary Sue down to the equipment barracks.

***

BOOM! [lightning]

CRASH! [tree falls, more lightning]

[organ music]

[camera zooms in on shot of imposing castle, until it rests on the door to a crypt.  Suddenly—thunderclap—the door flies open!  Bats fly out, and we can see a slightly rotting corpse putting itself back together again.  It sits up suddenly, scaring the crap out of the cameraman, who loses focus for a second.  When the picture sharpens again, the corpse is now—ALIIIIIIIIVE!]

Roger (rubbing hands together gleefully):  Everything is going according to plan!  Now that I've come back to life (again), I'll wait until my minion manages to kill Thayet and the rest of the family.  She'll become queen, and then, ONLY THEN, will we kill the king!  Then I'll swoop in, marry her, and I'll Become King!!!!!  I will take over the world!  It'll be mine, ALL MINE!   MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!  [thunder, lightning, organ music increases in volume]

Roger gives out a sly cackle.  "Little does she know what I have in store for _her…_mwahahaha!! [thunder, lightning]

[camera zooms out to a shot of the full moon]

wolf: a-WOOOOOOO!

Roger: a-WOOOOOOOO!  Ah-hahahahaha!!!! [flies away on a broomstick]

***

NBA Announcer: And now—the Tenth Annual Tortallian Tournament!

Crowd: yay!  [cheers]

Announcer: I give you: Sir Ansil of Groten, Sir Alanna of Trebond and Olau, Sir Gareth of Naxen, Sir Raoul of Goldenlake, Sir Rodriguo of Ramirez Heights, Sir Burchard of Stone Mountain, Sir…….[blah, blah, blah…], Squire Joren of Stone Mountain, Squire Nealan of Queenscove, Squire Cleon of Kennan, Squire Keladry of Mindelan, Squire Merric of Esmond, and last but not least, Lady Mary Sue of Diamond Pin!

Crowd: gasp!

Kel put a hand over her forehead to block out the sun as she surveyed the crowd.  They were all whispering about something…at first she thought it might be her, but then she remembered—Mary Sue was here.  She glanced over at her and rolled her eyes.  Mary Sue was looking ethereal in flowing silk robes, her silken golden hair tied back loosely in what looked like a satin tie.  She was also wearing artful touches of face paint and enough perfume to knock out whoever happened to compete against her.  _Oh well, thought Kel.  _She's in for a rude surprise when she has to actually compete against proven knights and squires.  'Trained with her brother,' my ass.__

She was thinking this and not paying attention when Neal came up behind her, and when he put his hand on her shoulder, she yelped in surprise.

"Nealan!"  she shrieked.  "What are you _doing?"_

"Now, I'm a bit insulted, Keladry.  We've been here for six hours and you haven't said a word to me."   Kel sighed grumpily and ran a hand through her hair.

"I thought I told you not to surprise me.  I don't like surprises."

"You don't say?"

"Oh, shut _up_, Meathead."

"Oh, Meathead is it now?  I thought we were back on first name terms?"

"_Neal!_"

"Sorry! Sheesh.  Anyways, did you see the girl in the practice yards today?"

Kel gave him a look.  "I had better things to do than stand around gawking at some trumped up court lady—you know, like warming up myself.  You know, you really ought to try it sometime.  Before a tournament, it can prove _quite useful."_

"Oh, cut the crap, Kel.  I did warm up…"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Ok, so maybe not as much as I usually do, but come on, Kel!  It was a _girl!  Here in the yards!  We don't get to see that every…oh.  Hey!  Kel!  Kel, come back!  Aw, come on, I didn't mean it that way…"_

**

Mary Sue gave the tiniest of smiles to each of her admirers.  _This should be—interesting, she thought with a smirk as she carefully strung her bow.  The official had given her a strange look when she had requested the huge longbow, but really, she didn't feel comfortable with anything smaller.  She glanced down the line of her competitors, and caught sight of another female face: Veralidaine, the wildmage, she thought.  Daine gave her a friendly smile which she returned gladly, ever eager to brighten someone's day._

"All right, men—er—and women—find your mark."

Mary Sue selected a thin, light arrow and carefully notched it.  Narrowing her eyes, she pulled it back towards her ear, sapphire eyes focused on the very center of the target.

"And—shoot!"

She let loose, admiring the slight whistling noise it made.  She closed her eyes and opened them to see her arrow deeply embedded in the bullseye.  A hushed silence came over the crowd and her competitors.

"Oh—" she giggled—"It was nothing, really…"

***********************************************

Ok, so maybe it was just her knack for archery…but there's more to come, hopefully soon(er, at any rate).  The more reviews I get, the more reason I have to update…go and motivate me.  I have to warn you, though, I have two chapters of other fics to beta before I can get the next chapter up.  It shouldn't take me too much longer, though, so you hopefully won't have to wait *too* long…oh, and read Cobweb's "Life's Surprises," which I'm beta-ing, and which is a pretty good little fic.  After you review, that is…


	7. Could this be the long awaited sixth cha...

A year and a half (? maybe more) later….just when you thought you were safe…

SHE'S BACK!!

Gasp, shock, horror, I know.

Actually I'm just kidding. I lost interest in this fandom in general a good while ago. But if any of you want this, feel like continuing it or whatever, you're welcome to it. Just leave your email, I'll get in touch. Or we could just leave it—a WiP does seem to be the mark of a Mary Sue, no? Anyway. Sorry if you were still holding out in vain hope of an update, haha.

Do they still ban things like this? Ah well.

FLAMER.

out.


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